The Brick Wall of Fear (a First World problem)

Today I had my first bad day skateboarding.

What a first world problem.

Today was the first time I’ve ever had a fully bad day skating. By that I mean that from beginning to end I found it a real push just to enjoy myself because I just felt so bothered by the whole thing. And now it’s put me in a real funk.

Like anything though, when I need to let off some steam, I write about it… only this, I figured would make a great post.

A) Because maybe it may garner me some advice or motivation from the rest of the community.

B) Maybe it will help someone else out there going through the same thing.

Today though, it just felt like I was going nowhere. Like everything I tried didn’t succeed and that I just looked like a total fool even attempting anything. I kind of had a feeling it wasn’t going to go well before I even went out… maybe I just psyched myself out.

The thing is, I want to get it more than anything, and I just get so conscious- do I look like a poser? Hell, the last thing I want is to look like a poser. I want this so much that it makes my blood practically boil when I can’t get the hang of something.

Looking back, I know I’ve came a long way. Back in January I couldn’t even stand on a board….

A cold, January evening with my friend Ben literally holding my hands and wheeling me through a piss-scented car park.

And now I have the confidence to do so much more. To cruise round and round a patch of land, switch direction, tic-tac back and forth, round a soccer net, avoid a wall, skim a puddle; to push myself two blocks West over Toronto’s bumpy roads; to get back on my board and go, even when my wheels collide with a pebble that throws me into the gravel.

No matter how many times someone tells me to “bend your knees more” or “look ahead, not at your feet”, no matter how much technique is shared with me, or how many times someone holds my hands in a bid to lull me into a sense of security as a slide down a mini ramp- I just feel like my brain gets it and my body does the complete opposite.

I know it’s ‘the fear’: that nasty brick wall that seems to build itself up in every situation in life. And I understand it’s a pretty rational fear- you can get super fucked up skateboarding…. But not doing the stuff I want to do.

I just feel like my progression has hit a plateau and like I’m never going to get the hang of it.

Like maybe I’m too old for this.

Or too scared.

Or I’ve thrown myself in at the deep end.

Maybe I’m just not meant to skateboard.

And then I get so damn frustrated because I really, really want this bad.

Like I said, first world problems huh?

Image credit: Jase Daniels

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